Sitting in fifth place in the Premier League, out of the Capital One Cup, knocked down from the Champions League to the Europa League and low on confidence, Manchester United are a mess.

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Having won just nine of their last twenty-seven games in all competitions, the Red Devils are almost unrecognisable – what the fans are being put through right now is a far cry from their two Champions League finals in three seasons; the second of which was a mere five years ago.

Manchester United are a car crash:

The written-off car: The players

Whilst some parts still work well, others are beyond repair and no longer of any use to the function of the vehicle. The airbags? David de Gea and Anthony Martial, the men who offer a feeling of security and safety even in the worst of situations. The wheels? Chris Smalling and Wayne Rooney, the parts who, when pumped up and working well, can’t do any wrong, but when deflated lead to the non-performance of the entire unit. The seat heaters and cup holders: Phil Jones and Michael Carrick. Luxury items who don’t do all that much and aren’t even used half the time.

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The driver of the other car: The Glazer family

The real villains of the piece, the Glazer family plunging the club into debt parallels the perpetrator having a few drinks before getting behind the wheel. One thing leads to another, and the lack of care for United as a football club equals the reckless drink-driving by the guilty party in this car crash. However, they won’t acknowledge that they are indeed guilty, instead continuing to drink and drive – or in real terms, destroy a mighty footballing institution with no remorse.

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The manufacturer of the written-off car: Sir Alex Ferguson

Priding itself on maximum efficiency in majestic performance, the company who manufactured the vehicle involved in the crash was mercilessly perfect a mere decade ago. However, they took their foot off the gas, so to speak, and when this particular vehicle left the factory, it was sub-standard and only scraped through its testing. Sir Alex Ferguson is the genius who made/sourced and fitted all the relevant parts (the players) – but the cars he made ten to fifteen years ago were far superior to the one involved in the crash. It may have survived had he done more in the final years of reign.

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Doctor calling for use of risky surgery to save the injured victim: Louis van Gaal

With the victim of the car crash lying in hospital, comatose and hooked up to a life support machine, he needs the very best care in order to pull through. Proven surgeon Louis van Gaal was flown in from a top job in the Netherlands in order to provide this care, but the surgery he is proposing is risky. This surgery, of course, is his “philosophy”. He’s currently halfway through the procedure and the patient is encountering huge blood loss, with risk of serious brain damage and possibly heart failure. One or two more wrong moves from Van Gaal and the patient, or the club in real terms, could leave his care almost entirely different – and damaged beyond repair.

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Witness to the crash: Ryan Giggs

The Welshman plays the role of the bystander who saw the drunken driver’s car heading towards the unknowing victim’s vehicle, but couldn’t do anything about it – however he’s also reluctant to take a stand and testify in court against the perpetrator, in fear that it would ruin his image, since his testimony would send a man to jail. Giggs needs to put his foot down and help fix the club, rather than continuing in his current role as Van Gaal’s puppet.

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The greedy defence lawyer: Ed Woodward

Instead of letting justice take its course, Woodward is defending the obviously guilty man – instead of fixing what is a terrible situation, he is skirting around the subject and doing everything he can to earn himself money. If Woodward cared about the club (or in the analogy, justice being served), he’d pull his finger out and bring the right manager in, bring the right players in and make a real solid foundation to move the club forward and onto its expected glories. Instead, he’s arsing around with noodle sponsorship deals and the like – treating United like a business rather than a football club; treating the law like an economic venture rather than a protection of the greater good.

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So there you have it. Manchester United fit into a car crash analogy like a hand into a glove. Let’s hope that the next thing United fit into is the top four though, rather than mid-table, which is certainly where things are heading if this keeps up!